As Valentines Day approaches my thoughts naturally turn to love and relationships! I believe in love and I am quite a romantic at heart, but I also recognise that many relationships are a form of transaction. Read any women’s magazine or self-help guide and you will discover the benefits of compromise, which is in itself a form of transaction, i.e., of give and take. But what if the transaction is more blatant, almost financial if you will, does that automatically negate the presence of love?
Here in Africa where I live we often see what seem to be the strangest relationships developing. There are two main types, those between older expat men, and nubile, gorgeous local women, and those between young professional women and young local guys with few employment prospects. Both types of relationship seem to happen in foreign environments where the expats involved are perceived to have greater power and wealth than their local partner. Of course a local partner may also be a good way to learn the language, to get immersed in local culture, and may indeed be the love of your life…hmmm.
After all not all “May-December” relationships are abusive, transactional or short-lived, one only needs to look at Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones - 10 years on and apparently still going strong - to see proof of that!!! But it is also true that some older expat men who arrive in a foreign place quickly find themselves surrounded by beautiful women keen to be with them. Surely they have not suddenly become sex-gods as they descended the steps of the plane? It is more likely that in a place where women are treated as second-class citizens and have little access to opportunity, finding a sugar daddy is a good way out of a hard life. And, as many men tell me, such women are far less challenging than their Western counterparts.
Problems arise however when a transactional relationship becomes abusive from one side or another. I have a married acquaintance of well over 50 who went so far as to sign a legal contract with his 20 year old girlfriend defining exactly the parameters of the relationship, what he would pay for and what he would not, and what he expected in exchange – fidelity, interestingly enough! But I also know of other cases where the woman involved has been treated as little better than a sex slave, and dumped with nothing but her shame when the expat moved on to the next overseas posting. In other cases, married men on unaccompanied postings have engaged in a bit of cross-cultural liaison and taken a little more than they bargained for home to their wives, or left behind children that they may or may not opt to continue secretly supporting.
Sex tourism for women is reportedly on the increase. Certainly here young women who may have struggled at home to find gorgeous young men to date them, have the pick of the crop. There is even resentment among local women of the ease with which young foreign women come in and pick up the “cool” guys. But the reality is that many of these relationships are just as transactional, with the guys aiming for a ticket out of the country, opportunities to study, and a chance to live in the lovely house the woman has allocated to her as part of her expat package. The guys are rarely faithful, which is put down to it being ‘their culture,’ but which is also highly risky in health terms.
Often in both types of relationship there are major cultural and linguistic barriers, but those involved argue that these can be overcome by love. I met my husband abroad, and while we are of similar age and share a language and ethnic background we still, after 10 years, often encounter cultural problems. Our relationship is built on compromise and mutual recognition of the difficulties, as well as upon love, and though love does not blind us to the challenges we face, it does sometimes help us through them. I admit that I find it difficult at times to see our relationship and those I have described above as the same sort of thing.
Perhaps it’s the romantic in me but I find it hard to believe that at home you would opt to date someone who you can’t communicate with, who you have to pay a regular stipend to, or who comes from a background so different from yours as to perhaps be the equivalent of a university professor dating a road sweeper (not that I have anything against either profession). Call me old fashioned, but in the place where I live there are plenty of attractive, solvent, well-educated local professionals who speak English, but they’re not dating expats, and I have to ask why. Mostly the ones I have asked feel the way I do – they struggle with the idea of dating someone much older or younger, from a completely different culture, and who might leave at the drop of a hat. They struggle with the idea of a relationship that is so obviously a transaction.
So, perhaps love can overcome some barriers, but money can overcome more. If that’s the case and that’s the type of relationship you opt for, my advice would be to go into it with your eyes wide open, not necessarily going as far as writing a contract, but being well aware of your partner’s expectations of you. And always play it safe! Feedback welcome – comments accepted below!
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